Lightning Review: The Loneliest Planet

I am not even going to hide this: I love Gael Garcia Bernal. I admit that he's had some lemons (The King) but he's had some excellent stuff as well (e.g. Science of Sleep).

But this movie is the ultimate lemon.

Warning: I am about to spoil the movie - but I'd like to think of this as public service. This movie is about the relationship of two people stumbling as they go about hiking in the mountains of Georgia. In reality, it's more like: a movie about two people as they go about hiking in Georgia. As in, seriously, NOTHING happens in the first 56 minutes of the movie, other than the two hiking and chatting to the locals and taking pictures. You can be late for 45 minutes and STILL be in touch with what the movie is all about.

And they get into the conflict and the truth about the guy comes out. It's not really a big revelation - but if you had nodded to sleep for two seconds, then you would have missed it. And everything APPARENTLY falls apart after that... except that part comes across quite poorly in the next 60 minutes.

Yes, this movie is two hours long. It makes Star Wars: Phantom Menace GRIPPING in comparison. Bloody Showgirls was more interesting than this.

The only thing that falls apart in this movie is the patience of the audience. No movie, despite its star, deserves to drag the audience through this drab excuse for Georgia tourism. Admittedly, yes, Georgia has wonderful scenery and for that, I may even vote for it in the 2013 Eurovision... but that is no excuse for this movie which does not deserve a screening in the local arthouse cinema - much more in the Sydney Film Festival.

"The Loneliest Planet" = 0 slice.

Our Commonwealth Bank Home Loan Experience

When my partner and I decided to buy a place we can both call our own, the obvious next step was to get a home loan. We are both new to this and while we don’t have the money to outright pay for a house, we both have stable jobs that pay decently, with no credit issues in the past. It’s really highly unlikely any bank would turn us down but because we were already with Commonwealth Bank, we felt: Why not?

When we went in for the initial interview, the Commonwealth Bank guy we talked to was so easy going to the point that he said we could borrow a million dollars. 

Now, let’s think about that for a moment. If we borrowed a million dollars, how much do we have to pay back? It was clear to us that he didn’t care. Well, because we didn’t want to face mortgage stress, we decided to let this slide and just say No thanks... for now. We wanted someone who can really look after us, not just lend us a ridiculous amount of money that we have sell kidneys in order to pay back.

So we continued with our house hunt, knowing we didn’t have the funds (yet), but we knew we would… soon. After all, we had enough for the deposit and surely that would be good enough to help us get a loan, if not with Commonwealth Bank, then elsewhere.

A few months down the track, we decided to give Commonwealth Bank another shot. This time, we talked to the manager. Now, he was more conservative, which was good, and he gave us a realistic view of what our loan would be like, which was absolutely fantastic… until he caps our conversation with, Are you sure you want a joint loan? It will be tricky if something happens to the relationship in the long run?

What the…?? Did a complete stranger just give our relationship a judgment call? My partner and I have been together for 6 years now, and I would like to think ours would last longer than our mortgage. 

I felt a statement like that is like a doctor saying to a woman, Look, you can get pregnant and have a baby, but what happens if you and your partner split up? It will be tricky... Are you sure you want a baby? From my point of view, that just falls on inappropriate.

To make it worse, a week down the track, the manager was nowhere to be found - we called and emailed but sadly, no go. My partner even dropped by, but was told the manager was unavailable. A few weeks after, we got an email saying that the manager had passed our application to another staff member while he went on vacation. 

Mind you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going on vacation and passing our file. The problem was he passed our file to an employee who then passed us on to the guy we first talked to. Yes, Mr Million was back in the cards.

When we discovered that, we felt disappointed and the wind in our sails just died. We left our loan application at that. In a way it was good that we got pre-approval from the manager and that gave us the courage to hunt down even more houses and apartments - but we knew we had to take the next step of finalising a mortgage though really our hearts were not with Commonwealth Bank anymore.

Anyway, a week ago, the manager, clearly back from vacation, called us to say he wanted to follow us up, as the woman he passed us onto was about to leave Commonwealth Bank. That made me think – WTF. We were never her responsibility – why? Because she passed us on to someone else! The ball was thrown to Mr Million, and we never bothered to catch it when it was our turn to play.

So at that point, I said “That’s it.” The next day, I went online to write that we did not want the home loan with Commonwealth Bank, and we no longer wished to be contacted for it. Now, this was done using the online system, so I knew it would be in my record. But I said to myself, that's ok. I just needed to be honest.

I then received a cut-and-paste email stating that they were sorry about the situation and asking if I could fill in a survey to see if the email was helpful. Really? That was such a slap in the face – the ultimate whatever. I went online and filled out the survey, with all the honesty that I could muster. The end point of my reply: I will never recommend Commonwealth Bank to my friends and family.

A few minutes after submitting that comment, I got a reply – via my better half. Yes, they had a chat with my partner instead, who at the time did not know what I had placed in the form. They did call my mobile, but I was not able to catch the call and they did not bother leaving a voice mail. I guess what bothers me is that, to get to my partner's number, they would have to really dig deep into my customer service record, whereas if they wanted to talk to me, my mobile number is on Page One of my customer service record - top left hand side, from memory. No hunting necessary.

As I knew that my customer service record is accessible via all branches, I dropped by another Commonwealth Bank to ask about the phone call. The manager (who was really nice, FYI) said that according to my customer profile, there was no record of the original manager's phone call to my partner. I'm not too sure what to make of that, but I felt it just solidified the disappointment. Why would someone make a phone call to a customer but not make a record of it?

This is where I have to ask: why would Commonwealth Bank make so many mistakes on so many levels? I hope that not all of their home loan customers get this level of dissatisfaction, because really, a home loan is not just a financial deal - it is a relationship between a bank and its customers, and as with any relationship, it has to be built on trust and respect.

Anyway, for those of you who like CBA, I don't blame you - let's face it, I'm still a CBA customer. They have one zillion ATMs and their online system, NetBank, is getting better and better. But until I get an explanation as to why things turned out the way they did, I'm not too sure I can trust them with a home loan.

So far, CBA savings accounts - 4/5, but CBA home loans - 0/5 slices.

A Japanese Treat: Emon Restaurant

Emon is a low-key, family-run Japanese restaurant found in the corner of Crown and Cleveland Streets in Surry Hills. From the frontage, you'd think it was a run-down place, but once you step inside, you can see that what it lacks in pizzazz, it makes up for in menu offerings.

For one, its sake menu is expansive and informative. I would strongly recommend the sake sampler, which is really a bargain. Feel free to ask the owner about the sakes as she recommended sakes for us to try, all of which were excellent in their own way. When we got our sake sampler, she wrote down what we were getting and she recommended which one would go with what we ordered. She was truly great.

The food wasn't bad either - the pork belly is to die for (don't go entree size! Go main!) and the mushroom tempura is fantastic!  

However, not everything was great as the karaage was underwhelming and sashimi was just normal - nothing to write home about. The soft shell handroll could have used a bit more umph as well.

Still overall, it was a great night out, and for the 8-hour cooked pork belly alone, I would come back to this place. Emon - 3.5/5 slices

A Nordic Surprise: Headhunters

It's really difficult to talk about a movie without revealing any spoilers, so at this point, I can almost guarantee that this will be a short review.


Headhunters, a dark comedy from Norway, revolves around the story of one man's will to survive versus one man's will to succeed. I would recommend that you read nothing about the plot early on because the twists and turns that the movie makes are the most delightful aspects of the film. The genre itself is a dead horse, which is why it is so refreshing to see the Nords have their way with it, and perhaps unsurprisingly, they succeed in pulling it off really well.


The subtitles, a necessary evil in foreign films, can get tiring at times, and I admit that in the first 15 minutes of the film, I nearly fell asleep. However, that was before the ride actually began - after that, I was gobsmacked at where the film went. I'm not saying it is perfect - there are a couple of parts in the film that really were stretched thinly, and the amazingly discomforting nude scenes were really... discomforting... especially in the morgue.


Yes, nudity in the morgue. The movie certainly takes interesting twists.


Anyway, definitely definitely worth a watch. Hodejegerne (also known as Headhunters for you non-Norskies)  4/5 slices.

A New Sheet on an Old Ghost: Love Never Dies

The first impression I had of the Phantom of the Opera sequel wasn’t too good. Critics panned it when it first opened in London, and with those discouraging reviews, I thought it was going to be one of those turkeys that will be long remembered as a mistake from the word go (ahem, Spider Man anyone??).

And then news of a Melbourne production came in, and I thought, “This is going to be bad.” So when the accolades came rushing in, I first thought it was a marketing team working overtime - but the praises just kept on coming and coming, so I figured yeah sure. Let;’s give it a shot.

And it was… good. Apparently, the Australian team was given full rights to trim and tuck as they saw fit - and truly, they trimmed out a lot of the excess and made the story more closely tied to the original Phantom storyline - and that’s a good thing, I think.

The plot was melodramatic (as expected from a Phantom sequel) and the set was quite beautiful. It is not as dark as the original Phantom, as this time they opted for a rich maroon motif that reminded me of Baz Luhrmann’s red curtain trilogy. The set was absolutely a treat and it is a source of continuous shock that the set design team can fit that much into a stage so small.

The only thing working against it is the fact that the songs are so lacklustre. The songs just didn’t carry a strong enough hook to let the audience members hum along after the show. it’s not that the singers or the orchestra were bad - au contrare, the singers were note perfect and the orchestra was just fantastic. It’s just that no one can do Andrew Lloyd Webber - not even Andrew Lloyd Webber.

So overall, the show was great to look at and packs enough of a punch to impress - but at the end of the day, it can never be the classic that Phantom is.

Love Never Dies - 3/5 slices

A Moment in Time: Falconer Cafe

A hidden gem in the middle of Oxford Street, the Falconer Cafe can easily be mistaken for a dilapidated greasy spoon diner, given its dark facade, dimly lit by a dying neon sign. However, once you step inside, you will see the idea behind the frontage. It’s like stepping back in time, into the 40’s, with the old style turntable churning away classic hits from some Billie Holiday album that only people with impeccable taste would remember.

I always drop by when I have a doctor’s appointment and every visit is a treat. My favourite dish thus far is the ricotta mushroom which is sprinkled with lemon oil, and their soy mocha never fails. Their desserts are also pretty darn good, and I would recommend the Tom Waits - don’t let the tobacco syrup turn you off. It’s pretty darn great, and unlike the majority of Oxford shops, it’s not horrendously expensive.

Falconer Cafe: 5/5 slices.

A Flash Review: Bohemia Beer

I found this beer in a Mexican restaurant in Manly - Mexico Via Manly (a bit expensive but quite good fajitas. Don’t try the churros though.) - and I have to say that I liked this beer. It’s heavier than Coronas but it’s flavourful still with a slight hint of lemon. Definitely recommended beer. 4/5 slices.