A New Level of Low: The Green Hornet

As some of you may know, I am currently looking for a job and I should be using my spare time to write letters and send resumes.

But no, I **HAVE** to rant about Seth Rogen’s new ego trip, The Green Hornet.

This movie is directed by Michel Gondry, who has been touched by Bjork, which automatically qualifies him as awesome. I loved his quirky “Science of Sleep” so I kinda figured this should be ok somehow... except it didn’t register that this movie was written by Seth Rogen. And as Mikey F puts it, not even Michel Gondry can make chicken soup out of chicken $hit.

The movie is horrible. There is nothing likeable about the main character, Seth Rogen, who, time and time again, will remind the audience that this movie is about making him look like he has the maturity of 3-day old garbage. In fact, I can say with all honesty that this movie is all about Seth Rogen acting like an 11-year old Ricky Gervais treating his piss like it was made of rose water. While writing this, he knew that studios will greenlight this unredeemable film and people will come to it in droves because of (a) the nostalgia factor (and I am guilty of this) and (b) 3D Gondry.

But no. The writing was shallow and insulting. The movie was fast paced diarrhoea. The acting was mediocre at best (I mean, let’s face it: Cameron Diaz). If you combine all the good bits about the film, I would say you have around 48 seconds worth of good footage. Everything else was just tedious, tiring and nauseating (and not because of the 3D effects).

Save money. Do NOT Do NOT Do NOT pay to watch this film. In fact, do not watch this film at all. Seth Rogen sums it at the END of the movie: “Kato, everything we’ve done so far is $hit.”

Oh how right you are, Seth. The Green Hornet: Zero slices.

A Mindquake of Cinematic Proportions: Black Swan

Darren Aronofsky has always been the strange one in my books. I think (and not many will side with me here) that he's too pop for the art house scene and the mainstreamers think he's too... weird. A lot of people didn't like The Fountain, but I found it fascinating.

Now he's back with Black Swan, starring Natalie Portman. I was initially not too keen on watching this because, well, i could never like Natalie Portman again after Star Wars and, another point, I though this was predominantly a ballet movie. I had images of The Best of "So You Can Dance" meets Batman Returns to the tune of Mandy Moore's "I Wanna Be With You"

I know. Not a pretty sight.

Well, this movie proves several things wrong: Natalie Portman **can** bloody act and dance, and the movie itself only uses ballet as a springboard for... Well, I can't write more if I don't want to release spoilers. All I can say is that this psycho thriller/horror movie is on a league of its own and provides a fantastic insight into the fragile mind of Nina, the White Swan.

I just have to warn you though: I left the movie mighty unsettled and the dark mood carried with me through the day. Purchasing the ticket means you have to be ready to be rattled until your nose bleeds Lucky Charms.

Oh, one nonspoiler: Natalie Portman does NOT turn into a red-eyed, murderous black swan, and becomes the fowl heroine instilling fear into the hearts of criminals, butchers and game hunters across the metropolis.

Black Swan: 5 slices.

A...mazing: The National at the Enmore Theatre, Newtown

Watched the National at the Enmore Theatre tonight, and they were fantastic. We were initially worried that they (apparently) took an hour for the instrumentation to match the energy of the songs, but in all honesty, I didn’t feel that at all. The performers were energetic, the crowd was fantastic and participative, and most of the songs were at their peak. Really, that is a good batting average.

The only thing that ruined the night was my vertigo (which came and went)... oh, and also those two pommie chicks who wanted to get into the higher price bracket area by flirting with the security guy and letting everyone within the 10-mile radius about how desperate they are to get into that area. Dear Pommie Inbred Trollups: If you really want to get up close and personal with the band, either pay the ticket price or offer to sleep with several of the band members. Surely, one of them will be desperate enough. And really? Giving your number to the security guy?? Not only are you cheap, but you **really** need to work on your flirting skills. I’ve seen belly button lint that was more enticing than you. The least you can do is make your failed attempts at seducing less audible, because really... you embarrass yourself.

Oh, yeah. About the National. Five slices. Really.

A Picture Perfect Bathtub: Soap at the Sydney Opera House

Soap is basically an off-shoot of the (in)famous bathtub aerial strip dance at the Spiegeltent. That performance consisted of a half-naked man, dressed only in jeans while either sensually dancing in mid-air or writhing around in a bath tub full of water. That was indeed a performance like no other - and yet someone felt it was a good enough concept to create a show. Soap is comprised of four men, three women, six bathtubs, and an opera singer - and they basically do circus tricks using the bathtub as the main prop.

Now, just for the record, this show is definitely professional - unlike their brief-y counterparts, there is NOTHING amateurish about this production. They had everything down to an art form - and they are definitely artists - to the point that every foul-up has an automatic backup so that the audience wouldn’t know a thing. It is basically a wetter version of Cirque Du Soleil.

Now having said that, I have to admit that I did not enjoy myself as much as I did in Briefs. Yes, the performers are talented. Yes, the opera singer was good. Yes, the production was as clean as spit on a spoon. However, it lacked spice. It lacked seduction. It lacked the raw gut that Briefs had in spades. The opening act was so well done, and sadly, it just dropped a bit in flavour and then stagnated.

It is still enjoyable, mind you, and if you like Cirque du Soleil, you will most certainly enjoy Soap. But I like my shows to be flirtatious and risque, so if a show called “Soap” does not make you feel dirty, then really, what is the point. Three slices.

A Brief-y Encounter: Briefs at the Sydney Opera House

Briefs, a self-proclaimed “boylesque” show based in Brisbane, showcases the circus talents of agile young men wearing... well, briefs. In some cases, even less. They do the usual circus fare, but with a lot of body glitter, amazing energy and enough clothing to fit a two-month old child.



It is commandeered by Faz, a Pacific Islander drag queen dressed in the best of St Vincent de Paul’s, and she is accompanied by 6 other men who are excellent twirlers, dancers, acrobats and comedians. Given the format of the show, it is very difficult to describe it without setting off the spoiler alerts, so allow me to paste this pic instead:



Please note that this acrobat was actually on top of the audience. No safety net. And he had most of his clothes on. In **this** photo, at least. He does make some changes to his outfit in midair. Now, this part of the show is perhaps the reason why a good 70% of the audience were women. And yes, there was a very clear “Sex & The City” vibe to them - this event was, after all, held in the Sydney Opera House, so they were dressed to the nines, some with matching fascinators. The stage performers loved them, and definitely made sure the giggling ladies had their eyefull, with one of the scantily clad performers ending the show by diving into some young woman’s lap (and they also ended up frolicking on the floor - how very Brisbane).

And that is telling of the show and its roots. They tend to do things that defy Sydney convention: kicking empty plastic buckets to the audience, breaking ceramic plates on the stage floor (and into some audience members as well), swearing endlessly (and perhaps even needlessly). One can argue that that is part and parcel of the show, but in the context of the Sydney Opera House, it just seemed out of place.

To make it worse, the hostess was quite amateurish in her humour as well. Her dialogue was haphazard and does not do well to introduce the next acts. A comedian doesn’t just jump on stage and expect humour to flow casually (unless you are Robin Williams). Comedy takes practice and timing - and she just didn’t do or have either.

I guess it is good that she was backed by amazing performers who knew what exactly they were doing. All the circus performers were at their peak, and even the weakest performer (Mr Plate) was amusing at least. In fact, I have to say that 85% of the show was fantastic, and the small bits that were just a bit off... well, they can be changed. And given that we watched the first show of their very (ahem) brief stay in the Opera House, I assume that it will only get better from here.

The show will run until the 15th, and for more info, click here.

Do I recommend it? Yes, 4 slices.

Just a few notes: You **HAVE** to buy the meat tray raffle ticket. And you can buy alcohol inside the Studio itself so no need to queue outside for a bottle of white. And don’t use flash photography. And you should take an orange when it comes your way. And you **HAVE** to buy the meat tray raffle ticket. No, really, you **HAVE** to. In fact, buy 10. Good luck!