Lightning Review: The Loneliest Planet

I am not even going to hide this: I love Gael Garcia Bernal. I admit that he's had some lemons (The King) but he's had some excellent stuff as well (e.g. Science of Sleep).

But this movie is the ultimate lemon.

Warning: I am about to spoil the movie - but I'd like to think of this as public service. This movie is about the relationship of two people stumbling as they go about hiking in the mountains of Georgia. In reality, it's more like: a movie about two people as they go about hiking in Georgia. As in, seriously, NOTHING happens in the first 56 minutes of the movie, other than the two hiking and chatting to the locals and taking pictures. You can be late for 45 minutes and STILL be in touch with what the movie is all about.

And they get into the conflict and the truth about the guy comes out. It's not really a big revelation - but if you had nodded to sleep for two seconds, then you would have missed it. And everything APPARENTLY falls apart after that... except that part comes across quite poorly in the next 60 minutes.

Yes, this movie is two hours long. It makes Star Wars: Phantom Menace GRIPPING in comparison. Bloody Showgirls was more interesting than this.

The only thing that falls apart in this movie is the patience of the audience. No movie, despite its star, deserves to drag the audience through this drab excuse for Georgia tourism. Admittedly, yes, Georgia has wonderful scenery and for that, I may even vote for it in the 2013 Eurovision... but that is no excuse for this movie which does not deserve a screening in the local arthouse cinema - much more in the Sydney Film Festival.

"The Loneliest Planet" = 0 slice.

Our Commonwealth Bank Home Loan Experience

When my partner and I decided to buy a place we can both call our own, the obvious next step was to get a home loan. We are both new to this and while we don’t have the money to outright pay for a house, we both have stable jobs that pay decently, with no credit issues in the past. It’s really highly unlikely any bank would turn us down but because we were already with Commonwealth Bank, we felt: Why not?

When we went in for the initial interview, the Commonwealth Bank guy we talked to was so easy going to the point that he said we could borrow a million dollars. 

Now, let’s think about that for a moment. If we borrowed a million dollars, how much do we have to pay back? It was clear to us that he didn’t care. Well, because we didn’t want to face mortgage stress, we decided to let this slide and just say No thanks... for now. We wanted someone who can really look after us, not just lend us a ridiculous amount of money that we have sell kidneys in order to pay back.

So we continued with our house hunt, knowing we didn’t have the funds (yet), but we knew we would… soon. After all, we had enough for the deposit and surely that would be good enough to help us get a loan, if not with Commonwealth Bank, then elsewhere.

A few months down the track, we decided to give Commonwealth Bank another shot. This time, we talked to the manager. Now, he was more conservative, which was good, and he gave us a realistic view of what our loan would be like, which was absolutely fantastic… until he caps our conversation with, Are you sure you want a joint loan? It will be tricky if something happens to the relationship in the long run?

What the…?? Did a complete stranger just give our relationship a judgment call? My partner and I have been together for 6 years now, and I would like to think ours would last longer than our mortgage. 

I felt a statement like that is like a doctor saying to a woman, Look, you can get pregnant and have a baby, but what happens if you and your partner split up? It will be tricky... Are you sure you want a baby? From my point of view, that just falls on inappropriate.

To make it worse, a week down the track, the manager was nowhere to be found - we called and emailed but sadly, no go. My partner even dropped by, but was told the manager was unavailable. A few weeks after, we got an email saying that the manager had passed our application to another staff member while he went on vacation. 

Mind you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going on vacation and passing our file. The problem was he passed our file to an employee who then passed us on to the guy we first talked to. Yes, Mr Million was back in the cards.

When we discovered that, we felt disappointed and the wind in our sails just died. We left our loan application at that. In a way it was good that we got pre-approval from the manager and that gave us the courage to hunt down even more houses and apartments - but we knew we had to take the next step of finalising a mortgage though really our hearts were not with Commonwealth Bank anymore.

Anyway, a week ago, the manager, clearly back from vacation, called us to say he wanted to follow us up, as the woman he passed us onto was about to leave Commonwealth Bank. That made me think – WTF. We were never her responsibility – why? Because she passed us on to someone else! The ball was thrown to Mr Million, and we never bothered to catch it when it was our turn to play.

So at that point, I said “That’s it.” The next day, I went online to write that we did not want the home loan with Commonwealth Bank, and we no longer wished to be contacted for it. Now, this was done using the online system, so I knew it would be in my record. But I said to myself, that's ok. I just needed to be honest.

I then received a cut-and-paste email stating that they were sorry about the situation and asking if I could fill in a survey to see if the email was helpful. Really? That was such a slap in the face – the ultimate whatever. I went online and filled out the survey, with all the honesty that I could muster. The end point of my reply: I will never recommend Commonwealth Bank to my friends and family.

A few minutes after submitting that comment, I got a reply – via my better half. Yes, they had a chat with my partner instead, who at the time did not know what I had placed in the form. They did call my mobile, but I was not able to catch the call and they did not bother leaving a voice mail. I guess what bothers me is that, to get to my partner's number, they would have to really dig deep into my customer service record, whereas if they wanted to talk to me, my mobile number is on Page One of my customer service record - top left hand side, from memory. No hunting necessary.

As I knew that my customer service record is accessible via all branches, I dropped by another Commonwealth Bank to ask about the phone call. The manager (who was really nice, FYI) said that according to my customer profile, there was no record of the original manager's phone call to my partner. I'm not too sure what to make of that, but I felt it just solidified the disappointment. Why would someone make a phone call to a customer but not make a record of it?

This is where I have to ask: why would Commonwealth Bank make so many mistakes on so many levels? I hope that not all of their home loan customers get this level of dissatisfaction, because really, a home loan is not just a financial deal - it is a relationship between a bank and its customers, and as with any relationship, it has to be built on trust and respect.

Anyway, for those of you who like CBA, I don't blame you - let's face it, I'm still a CBA customer. They have one zillion ATMs and their online system, NetBank, is getting better and better. But until I get an explanation as to why things turned out the way they did, I'm not too sure I can trust them with a home loan.

So far, CBA savings accounts - 4/5, but CBA home loans - 0/5 slices.

A Japanese Treat: Emon Restaurant

Emon is a low-key, family-run Japanese restaurant found in the corner of Crown and Cleveland Streets in Surry Hills. From the frontage, you'd think it was a run-down place, but once you step inside, you can see that what it lacks in pizzazz, it makes up for in menu offerings.

For one, its sake menu is expansive and informative. I would strongly recommend the sake sampler, which is really a bargain. Feel free to ask the owner about the sakes as she recommended sakes for us to try, all of which were excellent in their own way. When we got our sake sampler, she wrote down what we were getting and she recommended which one would go with what we ordered. She was truly great.

The food wasn't bad either - the pork belly is to die for (don't go entree size! Go main!) and the mushroom tempura is fantastic!  

However, not everything was great as the karaage was underwhelming and sashimi was just normal - nothing to write home about. The soft shell handroll could have used a bit more umph as well.

Still overall, it was a great night out, and for the 8-hour cooked pork belly alone, I would come back to this place. Emon - 3.5/5 slices

A Nordic Surprise: Headhunters

It's really difficult to talk about a movie without revealing any spoilers, so at this point, I can almost guarantee that this will be a short review.


Headhunters, a dark comedy from Norway, revolves around the story of one man's will to survive versus one man's will to succeed. I would recommend that you read nothing about the plot early on because the twists and turns that the movie makes are the most delightful aspects of the film. The genre itself is a dead horse, which is why it is so refreshing to see the Nords have their way with it, and perhaps unsurprisingly, they succeed in pulling it off really well.


The subtitles, a necessary evil in foreign films, can get tiring at times, and I admit that in the first 15 minutes of the film, I nearly fell asleep. However, that was before the ride actually began - after that, I was gobsmacked at where the film went. I'm not saying it is perfect - there are a couple of parts in the film that really were stretched thinly, and the amazingly discomforting nude scenes were really... discomforting... especially in the morgue.


Yes, nudity in the morgue. The movie certainly takes interesting twists.


Anyway, definitely definitely worth a watch. Hodejegerne (also known as Headhunters for you non-Norskies)  4/5 slices.

A New Sheet on an Old Ghost: Love Never Dies

The first impression I had of the Phantom of the Opera sequel wasn’t too good. Critics panned it when it first opened in London, and with those discouraging reviews, I thought it was going to be one of those turkeys that will be long remembered as a mistake from the word go (ahem, Spider Man anyone??).

And then news of a Melbourne production came in, and I thought, “This is going to be bad.” So when the accolades came rushing in, I first thought it was a marketing team working overtime - but the praises just kept on coming and coming, so I figured yeah sure. Let;’s give it a shot.

And it was… good. Apparently, the Australian team was given full rights to trim and tuck as they saw fit - and truly, they trimmed out a lot of the excess and made the story more closely tied to the original Phantom storyline - and that’s a good thing, I think.

The plot was melodramatic (as expected from a Phantom sequel) and the set was quite beautiful. It is not as dark as the original Phantom, as this time they opted for a rich maroon motif that reminded me of Baz Luhrmann’s red curtain trilogy. The set was absolutely a treat and it is a source of continuous shock that the set design team can fit that much into a stage so small.

The only thing working against it is the fact that the songs are so lacklustre. The songs just didn’t carry a strong enough hook to let the audience members hum along after the show. it’s not that the singers or the orchestra were bad - au contrare, the singers were note perfect and the orchestra was just fantastic. It’s just that no one can do Andrew Lloyd Webber - not even Andrew Lloyd Webber.

So overall, the show was great to look at and packs enough of a punch to impress - but at the end of the day, it can never be the classic that Phantom is.

Love Never Dies - 3/5 slices

A Moment in Time: Falconer Cafe

A hidden gem in the middle of Oxford Street, the Falconer Cafe can easily be mistaken for a dilapidated greasy spoon diner, given its dark facade, dimly lit by a dying neon sign. However, once you step inside, you will see the idea behind the frontage. It’s like stepping back in time, into the 40’s, with the old style turntable churning away classic hits from some Billie Holiday album that only people with impeccable taste would remember.

I always drop by when I have a doctor’s appointment and every visit is a treat. My favourite dish thus far is the ricotta mushroom which is sprinkled with lemon oil, and their soy mocha never fails. Their desserts are also pretty darn good, and I would recommend the Tom Waits - don’t let the tobacco syrup turn you off. It’s pretty darn great, and unlike the majority of Oxford shops, it’s not horrendously expensive.

Falconer Cafe: 5/5 slices.

A Flash Review: Bohemia Beer

I found this beer in a Mexican restaurant in Manly - Mexico Via Manly (a bit expensive but quite good fajitas. Don’t try the churros though.) - and I have to say that I liked this beer. It’s heavier than Coronas but it’s flavourful still with a slight hint of lemon. Definitely recommended beer. 4/5 slices.

A Disastrous Pretension: Anatomy of an Afternoon

Lightning review:

I feel I should be supportive of dance, especially one that is choreographed by an Australian artist. But Sydney Festival’s Anatomy of an Afternoon is definitely far from enjoyable. The show starts slow and takes a LONG time to get to a point where it’s even close to enjoyable.

Now, before you critics yell out “Exegesis!” or “Human condition!”, let me clarify that I am all about artistic expression and all that. I just feel that this performance is a PhD thesis on dance that has no place in a festival that aims to bring accessible art to the masses.

Mind you, the dancer is REALLY talented and he does gets the message across… except the message is something I truly do not care to hear. Pretentious is one word to describe it. Boring is another.

If you are keen on seeing shows where the dancer prances around on stage in his undies with half his butt cheek hanging out (and I am not exaggerating here), then this show might be for you. Me? My tastes are more basal - and for me, there is nothing to see in this autopsy.

One slice out of five.

A Different Kind of Fox: Fleet Foxes Live

I’ve always appreciated The Fleet Foxes. They are, at least to my ears, best described as an alternative folk band. Their vocal harmonies remind me of the all-male choirs in churches and cathedrals, and their songs are produced in such a way that reflects this type of sound - very grand in their simplicity.

However, having a record so well produced makes playing the songs live very difficult (*cough* Britney *cough*) especially if the artists in question actually have artistic integrity and are not the lip-synching type. Because of this, I was quite keen on watching them live in the Sydney Opera House, a magnificent venue that is not known for its acoustics especially with bands.

Well, the end result is that they are good live, but as expected, they are not the same live. The songs take a different life of their own, and their performance is much more dynamic. The strength of the lead vocals is usually masked in the albums but only because of how the songs are produced. If you hear him live, you know he has great pipes and his unconventional techniques certainly suit the songs.

The only thing that brings their performance down is that the three singers still have to work on their presence onstage in between songs. Really exceptional bands know how to “work the crowd” so that people are not left twiddling and waiting to see what happens next. The drummer did his best and it did work from time to time, but truly not enough to really connect with the crowd - it was bad enough that the concert was at a venue that dictated a certain stiff decorum, but to leave the audience detached meant they could not warm up to the band more. Mind you, they were appreciative for sure, but they were far from fanatical.

One more thing is that the pianist really was ill-placed in some songs. I felt that in some parts, he was just a little bit slower than the band, and it dragged the song a bit. They still sounded alright, but for an prominent instrument to follow the harmony is quite risky, and I certainly think it did not pay off in songs that should have sounded astounding.

All in all though, I would rate that as 4/5 slices. It was still an enjoyable experience and I certainly admire bands that provide an experience that is different to what one would normally expect.

A New Year Resolution List

One good thing about getting a Macbook Air is that it does give me this chance to write wherever I want, given that it is much more convenient to type on, compared to an iPad at least. The other day, I was reminiscing of the days when I could write whatever went through my mind, creative juices pushing my fingers to type fast and my thoughts to throb even faster.

But somehow, with the years, I realised that the juices have dried up, so slowly that I barely even realised it until I found that my last journal entry was a year old, and my brain was a graveyard of thoughts I wish I had committed to paper - or at least, a blog.

So now, I am back. I’m not sure how long I will do this, but 2012 is the year when I will try my best. And I guess that’s more than enough for now.

So what is 2012 for me? This year is the year of change. As most people can tell, change can be difficult - but not unwanted. Sometimes, the pain will be necessary to make things better - not just for myself, but for my spouse as well.

To begin this change, ladies and ladies, may I present the 2012 Resolutions.

1. Clean. And I mean no more dishes lingering in the sink, laundry waiting for a wash or dustballs lounging in the living room. I think the worst is when I leave my shoes wherever

2. No chips and wedges. Yup. I said it first on Facebook and now I’m finally committing to it. No more fries/chips/wedges. It doesn’t sound like much, but I reckon it will make a darn big difference in terms of my weight loss / cholesterol levels.

3. No cheesy snacks. This means Cheesy Twisties, Toobs and all the lovely cheddar goodness I usually run to in times of depression, madness and … well, days ending in Y. However, BBQ and chicken flavoured chips are still fair game. Let’s face it - having a little treat once in a while will help me stay sane.

4. Nail my postgrad studies. Doing a Grad Certificate in Marketing this year - and by goodness, I am going to make this happen. The last postgrad I did was a decade ago and I had a distinction average - let’s see how consistent I can be.

5. Blog more. At least once a week. Once a fortnight at worst. I imagine that during essay week, even the fortnight promise will be pushing it, but we’ll see. :-)

A New Level of Awesome: Smoke and Mirrors

Smoke and Mirrors has its roots in the Spiegletent, during the Sydney Festival. Having been one of its most popular shows, the producers rightly decided to push it on a national tour, with the Sydney run closing on the 14th of May. Headlined by the fabulous iOTA, the show features a variety of talents, from the usual gymnasts to... Well, let's not spoil that part.

To say that it is a musical extravaganza will not give it its due credit. It's quite more than that, and because I don't want to do spoilers, I would like to leave it at that. I went in not knowing what to expect, and they blew my socks off. I think people should leave that show with that kind of feeling too. I will tell you that they have loud music, strong strobe lights, smoke machines and attitude in spades.

This is an absolute gem of a show and no review can ever do it justice. Act I is the stronger of the two in terms of performance, but Act II has better songs with a very unconventional ending. If iOTA ever needed to prove his talent, this closing number is it, his winning ticket, the one everyone can take home so they can say "Wow". The production design is astonishing, from stage to costumes to makeup. It reminds me somewhat of Carnivale meets Madonna's The Girlie Show. This show is so polished you'd think it was made of glass - but really, it's just smoke and mirrors.

If you are in Sydney and can spare the time, go to the Seymour Centre before it's too late, and if you have any ounce of culture in you, this is the show you **deserve** to see.

Smoke and Mirrors: 4.5 slices

A Film of Nordic Proportions: Thor (3D)

I should have written this a week ago after I had watched it, but the 5-day weekend caught up with me and I just needed that little breather from everything, really.

Thor is based on Marvel's comic hero of the same title. Being a Marvel reader as a child, I was quite excited to see where they would go with this film. I felt that, as long as they didn't go down the Fantastic Four route, they should be alright.

I am happy to note that it was not just alright - it took the whole comic-movie genre up a notch. Kenneth Branagh made sure that the movie followed the comic's main concepts but discarded everything that didn't work on film. Hence it had a very contemporary feel and visual images in comics, like Asgard or Loki's ridiculous costume, looked quite believable on screen.

The acting was alright and my instinct tells me that the director managed to squeeze all acting potential from the lead actor whose arms are large enough to have their own post code. Under any other director, I reckon he would have gone down the Keanu Hall of Fame. Natalie Portman, who seems hellbent on getting every single acting assignment that didn't have a strand of acting challenge, after her gobsmackingly fantastic performance in the brilliant mind bomb that was Black Swan, was just ok. She didn't have much to work with and the development of her love affair with the hero seems raw at best.

But luvey-dovey stuff is not what Thor is all about. It's about raw muscle, swirling Mjolnirrs, fast action and eye candy in all shapes, sizes and orientations - and Thor brings those in spades. Add a well-handled classic story of redemption among Nordic gods, and you have a good two-hour escapist flick that deserves your time and money. We watched the 3-D version, but heaven knows the 2-D version should still be more than worthwhile.

Thor: 4 slices.

A Different 3D: Pina, a 3D Dance doco

Thanks to Sydney Film Festival's overly enthusiastic emailing system, I frequently get bombarded by opportunities for freebies and my running rule is, surely out of ten competitions, I would most likely get to win at least once. And that, ladies and gents, is how I got freebies to the world's first 3D dance film, Pina.

This documentary is really all about Pina Bausch, an icon in modern dance who passed away a year or so ago. The documentary presents an intimate look into how she inspired the multitude of dancers whom she worked with and what inspired Pina's work through the years, including the iconic "Cafe Mueller", which was featured heavily in Almodovar's wondermous "Talk to Her".

What I find really interesting about the film is that it shows snipets of Pina's works, theatrical dance masterpieces which marry strength and fragility in backdrops reflecting elemental features. Add the 3D aspects of the film, and it should have been enough in the film to sustain interest in Pina.

Yet somehow, the movie loses steam midway through, and by the time you get to hear the 7th dancer's take on Pina and her style of choreographing, you lose interest in the never-ending gushes for Pina's understated genius as a choreographer and a mentor. I think the movie needed a stronger angle in presenting such an interesting dancer and choreographer, and the way it was handled was just too simplistic and amateurish.

Admittedly, if I were a professional dancer, I may have found this movie gripping. But sadly, speaking as a regular Joe, it just didn't keep me engaged.

Pina: 2.5 slices.

A One-Two Movie: Sucker Punch

It is very difficult for me to talk about this movie with a spoiler or two, so if you have issues with that, you might want to stop reading now.

Sucker Punch, written and directed by Zack Snyder, had a lot of hype going into it - or maybe I just feel that way because I saw so many ads for it at the university I worked for. Let's face it - if there was a movie geared towards the 18-25 male demographic, this movie was it. The fact that it has such a BioShock look only adds to the movie's drive to woo the gaming gents - add five scantily clad female leads, and well, there you have it. Sex in the City meets Lara Croft meets Playboy.

Don't get me wrong - I love the look, the action scenes are awesome a good 90% of the time, and the concept as a whole is really fantastic. I was seriously ready to lap this movie like it was made from nougat. I actually imagined Zack Snyder talking to studio execs with the concept storyboards, and the studio boys just going ooh-aaah, 50-year old men letting their prepubescent fantasies run amok.

The problem is there is a big distinction between pretty storyboards and their proper execution. The movie starts out really well, but somehow weakens as the movie goes along. Maybe, as my friends Freuben state, it is the whole tedious list concept which makes the plot fairly predictable, or the incoherent use of fantasy vs reality.

One great thing about the movie though is the soundtrack. The songs they've chosen are stellar and in some parts of the film, they overshadow the film itself. I have not been this excited to buy a soundtrack album since Baz's Romeo + Juliet, and everyone I've talked to agrees.

However, that isn't enough reason to watch the film. If you're that keen on watching it, I suggest leaving your brain at the cinema doors and hope that there is enough eye candy to keep your id preoccupied for 2 hours.

Sucker Punch: 2.5 slices.

An Amazing Atrocity: KFC's The Double Down

For those who have not been bombarded by either the ads or the hoopla surrounding the darn product, KFC released (for! a! limited! time! only!) The Double Down which is basically an all-meat, no-bread sandwich. How does that work? Two slices of bacon, two slices of cheese in between a sauced-up pair of salty deep fried chicken fillets. That's it - a very simple concoction designed for the needs of the primal man (or at least that is how their marketing makes it out to be).

What do I think? 5 slices for taste, 5 slices for grease factor, 0 slices for the after shocks. Midway through the "manwhich", I just had to stop to ask myself if it was worth it. Of course, my sensible side was beaten to submission by my greedy side (who simply wanted to gorge on forward) and my cheapskate side (who repeats the same phrase over and over in my head with a mum-like voice "But hijo, don't waste your food").

However, for the next two hours, my stomach experienced pains that could only be appropriately described as earthenware shattering. So yeah, it was **that** bad. Plus my heart began racing as though it was being chased Jack Nicholson-style by my Lipitor medication.

So what do I think? Overall, 1.5 stars. Great to try but given the hell to pay, I'll pass. Maybe next life.

A Darn Fine Performance: Belle and Sebastian Live

For those who are not in the know, Belle and Sebastian are a Glasgow-based band known for their genre-defiant music that lingers somewhere between alternative and pop-folk. They have a very strong retro sound - and it's very easy to bop a head to their music. I personally find that the singer uses controlled vocals that make for a smoother sound to the music, and whether that appeals to you or not, well, that's more of a personal thing, I guess. I myself am not necessarily the biggest fan - I won't complain if they're in the background but I won't actively hunt down their latest album.

Live, however, is a different story. I was fortunate enough to see them when they played at the Sydney Opera House. We could have gone to see them when they played at The Metro, a much more intimate venue but given its reputation for sticky, beer-stained carpets and expensive low end drinks, thanks but no thanks.

The band certainly had a stronger sound live. The vocals were fuller and lacked that softer edge that their songs are known for. I personally liked it more and for me, for a band to sound better live is a good thing. The singer had massive energy on stage and for the first time, I saw people standing up and dancing - a rare feat in a venue like the Opera House.

Belle and Sebastian live: 4.5 slices.

A Most Random Comparison: Moth Traps

Now that I do a longer commute to work, I really should take time out to write on the blog more often - even if it is with random stuff... And it doesn't get more random than moth traps.

See, I hate moths. As a baker, I have thrown out bags and bags of flour in the past, simply because moths got into them - such a waste, really. As autumn approaches, they have again come out in droves, leaving their evil larvae in the nooks and crannies of our kitchen cupboards.

I initially wanted to get moth balls, but realized that, at best, they drive out the moths which would only find refuge in our parts of the house. No, I wanted to take the offensive. I wanted to go Rambo on their fuzzy bums and take them out like the pests that they are.

When I got to the supermarket, I only had two options - either Hovex or Envirosafe. Both were pheromone-based traps which lured moths onto very sticky paper. They are both very basic tent-shaped traps but really, didn't need anything more elaborate. They both were the same price, and came in pairs but I had no idea which was better... So I bought both.

The Envirosafe was the bigger one in terms of size, and uses a foil-wrapped pheromone pack which you stick to the roof of the tent. It claims to last for three months, and I guess we can put that to the test. The adhesive it uses is very sticky and reminds me of industrial-strength fly traps. When the moths came into the tent, they really didn't get out. Sadly the problem is that the moths weren't too excited to bite the bait. Sure, the trap still attracted them, but the attendance was less than impressive and reminded me of those soirees hosted by social outcasts - everyone was welcome but only a handful ever came.

Now Hovex was the smaller of the two traps, and used an exposed block of pheromone which you stuck onto the wall of the trap. The sticky paper wasn't so sticky so there were some moths that flew in and out, sadly. However, the exposed pheromone made it really popular in the moth community and I had to get a second Hovex after a few days because they just packed it in there so tightly, you'd think it was Big Day Out.

so the verdict: Hovex. The stronger pheromone makes it a more useful trap and I would suggest you get two packs, because the party just doesn't stop with Hovex.

Hovex: 4 1/2 slices.
Envirosafe: 3 1/2 slices.

A New Level of Low: The Green Hornet

As some of you may know, I am currently looking for a job and I should be using my spare time to write letters and send resumes.

But no, I **HAVE** to rant about Seth Rogen’s new ego trip, The Green Hornet.

This movie is directed by Michel Gondry, who has been touched by Bjork, which automatically qualifies him as awesome. I loved his quirky “Science of Sleep” so I kinda figured this should be ok somehow... except it didn’t register that this movie was written by Seth Rogen. And as Mikey F puts it, not even Michel Gondry can make chicken soup out of chicken $hit.

The movie is horrible. There is nothing likeable about the main character, Seth Rogen, who, time and time again, will remind the audience that this movie is about making him look like he has the maturity of 3-day old garbage. In fact, I can say with all honesty that this movie is all about Seth Rogen acting like an 11-year old Ricky Gervais treating his piss like it was made of rose water. While writing this, he knew that studios will greenlight this unredeemable film and people will come to it in droves because of (a) the nostalgia factor (and I am guilty of this) and (b) 3D Gondry.

But no. The writing was shallow and insulting. The movie was fast paced diarrhoea. The acting was mediocre at best (I mean, let’s face it: Cameron Diaz). If you combine all the good bits about the film, I would say you have around 48 seconds worth of good footage. Everything else was just tedious, tiring and nauseating (and not because of the 3D effects).

Save money. Do NOT Do NOT Do NOT pay to watch this film. In fact, do not watch this film at all. Seth Rogen sums it at the END of the movie: “Kato, everything we’ve done so far is $hit.”

Oh how right you are, Seth. The Green Hornet: Zero slices.

A Mindquake of Cinematic Proportions: Black Swan

Darren Aronofsky has always been the strange one in my books. I think (and not many will side with me here) that he's too pop for the art house scene and the mainstreamers think he's too... weird. A lot of people didn't like The Fountain, but I found it fascinating.

Now he's back with Black Swan, starring Natalie Portman. I was initially not too keen on watching this because, well, i could never like Natalie Portman again after Star Wars and, another point, I though this was predominantly a ballet movie. I had images of The Best of "So You Can Dance" meets Batman Returns to the tune of Mandy Moore's "I Wanna Be With You"

I know. Not a pretty sight.

Well, this movie proves several things wrong: Natalie Portman **can** bloody act and dance, and the movie itself only uses ballet as a springboard for... Well, I can't write more if I don't want to release spoilers. All I can say is that this psycho thriller/horror movie is on a league of its own and provides a fantastic insight into the fragile mind of Nina, the White Swan.

I just have to warn you though: I left the movie mighty unsettled and the dark mood carried with me through the day. Purchasing the ticket means you have to be ready to be rattled until your nose bleeds Lucky Charms.

Oh, one nonspoiler: Natalie Portman does NOT turn into a red-eyed, murderous black swan, and becomes the fowl heroine instilling fear into the hearts of criminals, butchers and game hunters across the metropolis.

Black Swan: 5 slices.

A...mazing: The National at the Enmore Theatre, Newtown

Watched the National at the Enmore Theatre tonight, and they were fantastic. We were initially worried that they (apparently) took an hour for the instrumentation to match the energy of the songs, but in all honesty, I didn’t feel that at all. The performers were energetic, the crowd was fantastic and participative, and most of the songs were at their peak. Really, that is a good batting average.

The only thing that ruined the night was my vertigo (which came and went)... oh, and also those two pommie chicks who wanted to get into the higher price bracket area by flirting with the security guy and letting everyone within the 10-mile radius about how desperate they are to get into that area. Dear Pommie Inbred Trollups: If you really want to get up close and personal with the band, either pay the ticket price or offer to sleep with several of the band members. Surely, one of them will be desperate enough. And really? Giving your number to the security guy?? Not only are you cheap, but you **really** need to work on your flirting skills. I’ve seen belly button lint that was more enticing than you. The least you can do is make your failed attempts at seducing less audible, because really... you embarrass yourself.

Oh, yeah. About the National. Five slices. Really.